Auckland
I love Auckland. Well, the central city and the East Coast Bays parts of the North Shore anyway. In the case of the central city my love for it extends only from the time in the morning at which it is safe to wear anything that costs more than 70 dollars to the time in the evening at which that ceases to be the case again. Outside those hours, your chances of being mugged, robbed or stabbed go up exponentially. On the upside, your chances of getting laid are probably pretty good if a) you’ve got a lot of money and prefer to solicit sexy time from reputable escorts and respectable rub ‘n’ tug joints (BTW what’s The Whitehouse like? Asking for a friend), or b) you don’t have a lot of money but the otherwise gruesome prospect of genital warts and passing razor blades through your swizzler is a non-issue. On the downside however, your chances of getting laid are likewise pretty good if it’s against your will. But then again, if you’re intellectually short-changed enough to go waddling about town at three in the morning, then two words spring to mind – natural selection.
And yes, South and West Auckland unfortunately have reputations as criminal hotspots (to shut down the bloody pirate ride at Rainbows End is a crime, but that’s another story), but even they have their charms. West Auckland has wicked surf beaches, and South Auckland has, well, Rainbow’s End, and frankly you can’t get better than that – well, that was until they shut down the bloody Pirate Ship Ride!
Central Auckland has its charms as well, of course. Kelly Tarlton’s Sea Life Aquarium is the perfect place to visit if you’ve ever fancied having a squiz up a fish’s bumhole (and by squiz I mean to have a look!) or if the hidden mysteries of a shark’s cloaca relentlessly keep you awake at night. The Sky Tower is ace for when you have an urge for whatever reason to be up high. You can have a go at bungee jumping off it as well, with a rope-free option ready on standby should NZ lose the next Rugby World Cup. And MOTAT and the Auckland Museum are there for those with an interest in ancient history—if you can’t get to either, a copy of any real estate guide that predates 2005 should suffice.
The North Shore is pretty much the jewel in Auckland’s crown, however, for a number of reasons. Firstly, the beaches and coastal shopping centers – the East Coast Bays is the best place to live in New Zealand, bar none. Secondly, most shady characters can’t afford to live there – but on second thought, the locals who don’t own a home can’t afford to either! But at least with a cardboard box, you don’t have the burden of material assets to deal with, or a mortgage for that matter, so its a win-win either way!
As for East Auckland, don’t bother asking me about it as the last time I was out that way The Flintstones were classified as science fiction.
And yes, South and West Auckland unfortunately have reputations as criminal hotspots (to shut down the bloody pirate ride at Rainbows End is a crime, but that’s another story), but even they have their charms. West Auckland has wicked surf beaches, and South Auckland has, well, Rainbow’s End, and frankly you can’t get better than that – well, that was until they shut down the bloody Pirate Ship Ride!
Central Auckland has its charms as well, of course. Kelly Tarlton’s Sea Life Aquarium is the perfect place to visit if you’ve ever fancied having a squiz up a fish’s bumhole (and by squiz I mean to have a look!) or if the hidden mysteries of a shark’s cloaca relentlessly keep you awake at night. The Sky Tower is ace for when you have an urge for whatever reason to be up high. You can have a go at bungee jumping off it as well, with a rope-free option ready on standby should NZ lose the next Rugby World Cup. And MOTAT and the Auckland Museum are there for those with an interest in ancient history—if you can’t get to either, a copy of any real estate guide that predates 2005 should suffice.
The North Shore is pretty much the jewel in Auckland’s crown, however, for a number of reasons. Firstly, the beaches and coastal shopping centers – the East Coast Bays is the best place to live in New Zealand, bar none. Secondly, most shady characters can’t afford to live there – but on second thought, the locals who don’t own a home can’t afford to either! But at least with a cardboard box, you don’t have the burden of material assets to deal with, or a mortgage for that matter, so its a win-win either way!
As for East Auckland, don’t bother asking me about it as the last time I was out that way The Flintstones were classified as science fiction.
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