The Worst Songs I've Heard

(Originally posted on my music blog, Dave's Blog, this has been moved here)

Writing review after review has been getting a little on the dull side for me lately, so I've decided to break with tradition and knock up a list of the top ten songs I hate. I hate plenty of songs, but these ones are what I would play if I were in charge of running Hell. So without further ado, ladies, gentlemen and hermaphrodites, here they are...

1. Lean on Me - Club Nouveau

This strangulated cacophony straight from Lucifer's choir is testament to the fact that friendship and brotherly love truly are the most disgusting concepts ever thought of, that peace is for pansies, war is for the reality inclined, and that Ayn Rand had a valid point to make when she proposed her views on the merits of egoism, selfishness, and the dog eat dog mentality of capitalism.

2. Stand by Me - Ben E. King

Almost as bad as number one, this song was once covered by John Lennon. The legendary Beatle decided to cover this song not because it had some philosophical and moral significance, but because even the greatest musos and artists need to be taken down a peg now and then. And although his version is the best I've heard, even he should've thought twice about recording it in the first place. Thankfully, though, the entire Beatles catalog makes up for this.

3. Fernando - ABBA

Bjorn and Benny are the greatest pop composers in history, but even they fall short of being labeled perfect. This song holds the not-so-prestigious honor of being the only track on ABBA Gold that made me reach for the forward button because I found the song to be scary. For the ABBA Gold compilation it should have been replaced with "Honey, Honey" or "Super Trouper."

4. We Like to Party - The Vengaboys

Small children love this song, in the same way a serial pedophile loves small children, but that doesn't mean that adults should. A vile song that nowadays only gets played to torture victims. The music sounds like it was written for children, and that's the worst part of it.

5. All I Really Want To Do - Bob Dylan

Shudder. 'Nuff said.

6. Brown Girl in the Ring - Boney M.

"Rasputin" was great, "Ma Baker" is a classic, "Painter Man" is fantastic, "Belfast" isn't bad, but this song is just plain awful. This will clear a packed disco in the same way "Painter Man" will fill it.

7. The 52nd Street Bridge Song (Feeling Groovy)

Listen to this for more than 30 seconds and you'll soon be far from groovy; in fact, you'll be looking for a bridge over troubled water in which to lay yourself down. This is like watching children's TV on crack.

8. Don't Worry - Bobby McFerrin

Hard to believe this song is about trying to make you feel better, but when it comes to practical applications, nothing could be further from the truth. And it can be pretty darn annoying as well. To sum things up in a nutshell - Zzzz.

9. Moondance - Van Morrison

Yuck.

10. Cold As Ice - Foreigner

For years I struggled to get the first two lines out of my head, and now that I have I can still say it is a crappy song. Dull as a bare-bones Toyota Corolla, and as good for your ears as cleaning them out with a screwdriver. Stick to "Midnight Blue" or "Urgent" and you should be fine.