Dave on Hamilton, NZ

Recently I read an article on the interwebs, which is dated just over a year old now, regarding a scathing criticism of Auckland Labour MP Jacinda Ardern's observation of Hamilton's propensity for having houses that all look alike. Evidently, the Hamilton City Council got their undies in a knot in a right royal way and several councilors took to the media to express their outrage and, somewhat predictably, put forward their tiresome and rather indefensible arguments as to why Hamilton was great. And the mayoress at the time even had the cheek to say that everybody who has been to Hamilton would say that it was a “great place.”

And here is where she was utterly wrong. It is not a great place at all—unless, your sole ambition in life is to experience painful urination where it feels like you're passing a razor blade, in which case then, it is absolutely brilliant. And who is she to suggest that everybody who has been there says it is a great place? Most people I know tend to say otherwise. And I certainly didn't agree that the place was great—the fact that I don't live there anymore is a testament to that. And to prove my point, here are few reasons why Hamilton is not great. The place is cold and damp to the point where Eskimos would complain and the only things to do down there aside from getting drunk is pinch things from The Warehouse and rob liquor stores. As for the retail experience, the term “Hamilton CBD” is amusingly inaccurate as it doesn't actually have one.

So what could possibly be considered a “redeeming” feature of Hamilton? Well, for starters, the city is known for its night life, the night clubs, the binge drinking, the fights, and hooking up in the disabled toilets in the Outback and then getting kicked out. Drinking is a core part of Hamiltonian life – you need to drink in order to forget that you are in Hamilton.

I find it rather difficult to believe that anybody could call Hamilton a lovely city. That's like calling the elephant man handsome. The place needs a lot of work to make it worthy of even a tidbit of praise. If you were to ask me what is the best thing to come out of Hamilton, I would give you several answers, and they would all be roads.