Dave on Nationalism

Anti-war rent-a-crowd mobs, naturists, anarchists and Ayn Rand's beotches all have one thing in common – a dislike for nationalism, particularly of the cultural variety. They believe all borders should be abolished, that a world government should be established (with the obvious exception of the latter two) and that competition is intrinsically evil (definitely the first one, maybe the second, and perhaps some of the third). Internationalism, they believe, is the way to go, and that it is ultimately inevitable. No it is not. Internationalism is stupid and unworkable. Like those extreme vegan types who feed their carnivorous pets tofu substitutes.

In general, there is nothing wrong with nationalism as a philosophy, both cultural and economic. There is nothing wrong at all with displaying one's patriotic fervor by shouting, “Wooo! Go New Zealand!” at a sporting event. Unless, of course, you are shouting at an American football match, because you'll be the only one there and you'll look like a twit. And national pride is only ever wrong when you decide that your race or country is better than the others because statistically speaking, a smaller proportion of your country's population has genital warts and that alone is the prerequisite for being considered the master race. And you maybe pushing things a little too far when you suggest the government establishes a ministry of propaganda, burns down a local school tuck shop to speed up the introduction of an 'enabling act', and then blame it on the EPMU.

The reason why I chose to write on this matter is because I recently read an article about changing New Zealand's flag, and, being a staunch republican and nationalist at heart, I personally thought it was a capital idea. Having a Union Jack on our flag is pointless. The British Empire is in the same league as a Norwegian Blue's metabolic processes—dead and gone and only relevant to historians (John Cleese). And besides, the novelty of wiping your bum on a flag and offending two countries at the same time will be lost on disgruntled radicals with a predilection for indulging in blatant unpatriotic behavior. And black and white is so much more original in terms of a color scheme. I mean, who else has a red white and blue flag? And where do I start the list?

And as much as I like the Royal Family, I would still do away with the monarchy. The Queen is a lovely lady, and I think Prince Phillip should get a Nobel prize of sorts for his cutting, un-P.C. wit. But still, they should go. This is the 21^st Century, and I would much rather have a New Zealander as our head-of-state. And preferably elected as well.

So yes, it is logical to assume that I intensely dislike Monarchy New Zealand and consider them cultural traitors. And such an assumption would be quite correct. But unlike that preconceived stereotypical image of nationalists that many internationalists might conjure up, I wouldn't have them shot. I would, however, have them lined up outside parliament dressed in tutus, helicopter hats and publicly ridiculed by having them all mercilessly pelted with moldy scones.